It is time to come clean. When I started A Look Back, At the Beginning of Life, and through the Sum posts, I thought I had a definite goal in mind. I’ve talked about it before, but not as in depth as I want to discuss it now.
Ever since my NDEs I have felt the spirit of life inside me, an actual though unknowable something I can only call life, or spirit. I have no other words for it. Sure, I went through life knowing I was alive, but my understanding of alive changed. It became real, as it were a being all to itself. If I had to commit to anything, I might say life has a personality. But that would be so wrong. I might try the word consciousness, but that isn’t right either. Maybe, just maybe, I could say life has beingness, but what would that even mean. Life, for me, is so much more than us just being alive, it is everything about being alive.
What life is not is God, or a god, or any kind of super-superior-supreme being. It is a kernel of being, like what you might imagine the spirit of an individual cell to be. Tiny, obscure, barely able to sustain itself, except that it has no need of sustenance. It is. End of thought. And while it may be, probably is, capable of intelligence, that intelligence is not what we think of as intelligent. If anything, it is, or has the potential, of intelligence, but of a kind so far beyond the intelligence of earthly beings as to be unimaginable to said intelligent beings as we.
Yeah, I know I am not making much sense, my mind is just not capable of imagining such a being, and yet I know I can sense its presence within me, and within you, and within every living being on this earth, and anywhere else life is occurring in our cosmos. Yeah, it is like religious people talk about their God being everywhere, but as I already said, life is not God! It has no ulterior motives, needs no worship or adoration, no need to be supreme in any way. It has no ego! I guess that is what I am trying to say. LIFE HAS NO EGO! Life has no ego…
But life is still something we all have, and share. That is why I wanted to go back to the very beginning, the primordial soup which seems to be the origin of life as we know it, some 4.5 billion years ago. I have always felt that living beings did not always have the spirit of life in them. Life was around before living beings, but was separate from them for a time. Somehow, I thought life came to be aware of living beings, and sensed that living beings could lead it to self-awareness. But that would mean it already had to be self-aware, wouldn’t it? Going back to the dawn of life-on-earth, I hoped, would help me see some point at which living beings gained life, the spirit of life, the force that is life. But it has not!
It seems to me, after writing these posts, and probably 20 or more different drafts of this post, that my task is beyond me. I have feelings, but I do not have words. I can imagine, but I cannot see. I can sense, but life is unsensible. I know it, but I cannot share it.
This saddens me in a way. My brain is horrible at languages! English is the worst possible language in which to try to discuss things beyond reality. But it is the only language I have, and that frustrates me to no end. I have failed. I have failed me. I have failed you. And I have failed life itself.
But failure is merely a roadblock. I will try again.
The title of this post, 1+1 (+ n) = One? is a formula that came into my mind while agonizing over how to describe what I want to say. Maybe to a mathematician out there it may have actual meaning. To me it is just an expression of my frustration. The first 1 is life. The plus sign is the connector. The second 1 is the first living being, a one-celled organism of the simplest kind. The opening bracket is a distinguisher, the passage of time. The second plus sign stands for physical evolution, the advance of one-celled organisms to organisms with more than one cell, working together to produce a more efficient being. The n symbolises the fact living beings can have any number of cells of many different kinds, doing many different tasks, and numbering every number between 1 and the largest number possible for the number of cells in a living organism. The closing bracket is now, the point in time, ever-changing, when life is being actively observed by living beings, if they have the senses to observe with. The equal sign denotes that a change has taken place. Individual things have joined together to produce something greater than the sum of its parts. Then there is the one, or the ONE, that is what life, working together, has become, living being mixed with life yet being joined in a way that all life is just one life. There is no doubt all life, wherever it exists, in whatever form it exists, is directly connected to all other forms of life.
Lastly comes the ?, the question mark, the wonderment. Is this possible? Is life possible? If life is, then is there a purpose to it? Or is it just a thing that is born and then dies for no other reason than that the biology works that way.
Life, living, probably started out as one cell that somehow managed to reproduce itself. From there it evolved into all the beautiful and ugly but nonetheless hugely plentiful life that exists on this earth in so many different forms, varieties, species, and even us humans. To me, life cannot not have purpose. We have a drive inside us to improve, to advance. It is not given to us by anything, unless that thing is ourselves. That drive existed in the first mitosis that took place in the primordial soup, and it is still with us today. It appears it will always be with us, as long as there is life somewhere in our cosmos.
And though I have failed in my task to reveal where life became a living being, I hope I have succeeded at least in some way to inspire even one someone somewhere to at some time take up the search to find where life came from, so we can learn where life is going, at least in our imaginations….
Somewhere in the present
Lies a vision of the future
Understood from the past
In the eternity
The end, for now…