If you believe in the One God, please stay away for your own spiritual well-being.
1. Thou shalt have no gods before me. After me, I don’t care. I’m Number 1.
2. Thou shalt have no graven images of me. Do you know what I look like? I don’t know what I look like. I haven’t invented the mirror yet. Maybe soon.
3. Thou shalt not take my name in vain. If you want something, ask for it. If I want you to have it, I will give it to you. If I don’t think you need it, and I’ve pretty much already provided you with everything I want you to have. Forget it.
4. Remember the Sabbath day. In English, that’s Saturday. Not Sunday. Not my day. Saturday, that day belongs to me. Keep it holy.
5. Honour thy father amd thy mother, if you know who they are, and if they deserve it. If they don’t, screw them.
6. Thou shall not kill another living being, of any kind. Unless they are a Gentile. You can kill Gentiles, if you think they deserve it. Be careful, I might be watching. And I might disagree.
7. Thou shalt not commit adultery. If you are married, keep it in your pants. If you’re single, wear a condom. I cannot protect you against those kinds of diseases. By the way, if it aint born yet, it aint born. Read the recipe.
8, Thou shalt not steal. Everything already belongs to me. If you need it, just take it. Otherwise, leave it for the next person.
9. Thou shalt not bear false witness against me. Remember, I am your neighbour, wherever you are. And I know the truth. Do you really want to test me?
10. Thou shalt not covet that which is not yours. What you have came from me. It was meant for you. Don’t get greedy.
If you believe in One God, please stay away for your own well-being.