DIGGING A HOLE TO ME: Is There a Me

continued from previous post

I think I need to go back to my starting point. The key point of the revelation was that something was hiding behind my intellect, my spirituality, my philosophy of life, and my ultra-left-wing-politics. All of these things are alien to most people. Or, put another way, I have alienated myself from most others. For a person who firmly believes that all living beings are related, I think thoughts that distance me from most human beings. Fortunately, most non-human beings have no understanding, or even concept of politics, meaning in general how people live together and function together in this world, not necessarily in the political arena, though that too is part of politics. Did I choose to separate myself from humanity, or did my thoughts and actions create that separation for me. Is this dichotomy a result of my tortured upbringing (nobody did anything to keep me safe when I most needed to be kept safe), or was my tortured upbringing a result of thinking differently right from the start? I hope I get a chance to explore that question later.

For now, I’m pretty sure that my religious/spiritual separation is a result of god not keeping me safe. How many times did I pray to my parents’ god to change things so I did not have to bear the brunt of my father’s wrath? How many times did I ask him to remove my father from my life, or remove me from his life? And what was god’s response? Not just utter silence, but his utter abandonment. I tried not to feel that way because my Sunday school teachers taught us that god worked in mysterious ways. Well, the more tortured I became, the more I started to believe that either god didn’t care about me, or, most probably, there just was no god. I was a mostly helpless child being forced to live in a life that made me fear going to the house that was supposed to be my home. Of course I could not have put this into words like this when I was still a child, yet I am still trying now to put this into words a child might speak. It was the child in me that had to live in hell while I was still alive, and I know for a fact as I grew up and started questioning every belief I could think to have, I came up with the same answer over and over and over: There is no god. It was a long fight, because I truly wanted something to believe in, but the more I wanted to believe, the less I could find to believe. And when I finally came to the point where I had to decide if I believed or not, there was no real decision to be made. If god believed in making children suffer, then he was no god at all. And since children did suffer, in so many and various ways, there could be no god, because he would have to be the most mean god that ever could exist. And since that was a contradiction in terms, the decision had already been made: there is not and can never be a god. All the evidence in this world points to his non-existence. It just takes opening one’s eyes and mind and heart to see that.

My twin philosophies of life, Spiritual Atheism and Responsible Anarchy both grew out of my acceptance that there was not and could never be a god. Yet, the nickname I adopted for myself in my 30s belied that belief. I doubt you have ever heard of me outside of certain circles, but I am the original rawgod. I see where others have now adopted that name, but I am pretty sure I was the first, and the most vocal. And what rawgod originally meant was that I believed someday every living being could become god, not a christian god, but nevertheless a god, someone who could rule this universe the way the the christian god was supposed to be able to rule it! While that was actually more of a hope than a belief, it originated in the mistaken belief that humans are incapable of ruling themselves. The thing is, how can humans ever find out if they are capable of ruling themselves if they are never given the chance to try, to discover what they are truly capable of? But again I am digressing, going too deeply into ideas that need only to be skeleton ideas, one without meat on them…

I have separated myself from billions of living beings, while conversely believing that all living beings are connected on the spiritual plane. I doubt if that makes any sense to you, dear reader, because it truly makes no sense to me. But having said that, why does it have to make sense? Could it not be that this is just the way it is? I believe all life is chaos. There is no need for anything to make sense. Yet that is what the human mind demands. Foolish of us, wouldn’t you agree?

So here I stand, part of all life, yet apart from most human life. But then, most humans have not lived the life I have lived, and I have not lived the life any other human has lived. We are disconnected away from our spiritual connection. Yet I hide myself behind those ideas, those thoughts, and those beliefs. I show myself to any who want to look, but no one can really see. They have to accept what I tell them about myself, because, after all, I am the only expert in the world on being me. But yet, as I found out tonight, I am hiding something even from the expert. There seems to be another part of me that I do not admit even to myself. And I want to know what that something, or someone, is. And as I am sitting here writing, I can feel an idea forming in the back of my mind. There is at least one cell in my brain that is dancing with an electrical charge different from the electrical charge of all my other cells. And since I know I have positive, negative, and neutral electrical charges in my body, what does that leave. What is making you dance, little cell? What is making you jump up and down with so much excitement, waving your non-existent arms, trying to attract my attention. I can’t see you, but I can feel you. And I know what I want to say about you, but I have no idea what those words would even mean. The cell I am talking about is an anti-cell, with an anti-charge. The words it seems to be screaming are something like, “Here I am. I am the original you. I am the cell from which all other cells are copied. I am the basis of your life. In fact, I am the basis of life itself. I am the cell that came to consciousness in the sea almost 4 billion years ago. But I am older, far older than that. My first body came into existence almost 40 billion years ago, when this universe was formed. And I think even that body wasn’t the first…”

You want to talk megalomania? Apparently I can do that, but I never had any doubt of that to begin with. But now, here is this anti-cell, or whatever it is, claiming to be as old as life itself. What does it want? Why, after 68 years, is it suddenly popping up and demanding that I take notice of it? Sorry, friends, but I have to leave this here. Think that I am crazy if you like, that I have finally crossed over into insanity. That is your choice. But I don’t think you are like that. If you thought I was/am insane, you wouldn’t have gotten this far on this blog. You would have turned away many blogs ago. But if you, like me, are searching for an ULTIMATE TRUTH (if there is one, which I doubt), then I invite you to continue this journey of discovery with me. I know I for one want to know where it goes, because I cannot imagine where it might go…

Author: rawgod

A man with a lot of strange experiences in my life. Haven't traveled that much per se, but have lived in a lot of different areas. English is the only language I have mastered, and the older I get, the more of it lose. Seniorhood gives me more time to self-reflect, but since time seems to go much faster, it feels like I don't have as much time for living as my younger selves did. I believe in spiritual atheism and responsible anarchy. These do not have to be oxymorons. Imagination is an incredible tool.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s