I Didn’t Choose To Be Here!

Did I?

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A Story from Long Ago

How many times during your life have you said that you didn’t choose to be here? What if I told you that you DID choose to be here. What if I said that everyone chooses their birth families, and IF the birth families accept them, then that is how you came to have the parents you have.

Personally speaking, I think I must have been crazy to choose my birth father? He was mean, abusive, overbearing, a liar, and even a child molester (with at least two of my sisters, perhaps all three). Why would I choose such a jerk for a father? The only answers I have come up with in my 67 years of life are:

  1. He was married to my mother, who exuded love for all her children, and my spirit self thought that would make up for the abuse my father would rain down upon me;
  2. From him I learned everything I did not want to be.

I’m sure there could have been an easier way to learn that lesson, but I guess I was a glutton for punishment, or there was a third reason I have not discovered yet. The point is, though, that the choice was mine, or at the very least, the being that was me in the other dimension.

How do I know this?  One night that my girlfriend and I made love, I was lying on my bed after escorting her home, and I fell into a waking dream, a sort of daydream. I dreamt I was sitting at a great table, with my girlfriend beside me, and another being, whom I could not see clear enough to make out if it was human, alien, or spirit. The third being was asking my girlfriend and I a number of questions about ourselves, our relationship, and our prospects for the future. She was 19 years old and fresh out of school. I was 20 years old and living as a hippie, not working, or at least not legally. The two of us were very much in love. The questioner warned us of the responsibility we were about to take on. “Bringing a baby into the world would put us into a pressure cooker,” it said, or words to that effect. I couldn’t tell if we were actually hearing spoken words, or hearing the being’s thoughts in our minds–but such is the stuff of dreams. I don’t remember much of any discussion after that, but I remember being introduced to a number of small spirits, having them inspect us, and eventually one nodded his head, and the meeting ended. So did the daydream. I jerked myself awake, and sat there sweating. Was that for real? I remember thinking.

Sure enough, a month later my girlfriend told me she missed her period for the first time since she was a young teenager. I assured her that whatever happened, I would stick with her through whatever came our way. What we didn’t count on were her parents. They didn’t like me, but they put up with me. Until my girlfriend’s tummy swelled to where she could not hide it anymore. We made arrangements to talk to her parents, and sort of rehearsed how we would tell them. Between us we had just enough money to buy her an engagement ring and wedding band, and we got engaged right there in the store when we picked up the fitted rings. Then we went to her home, and started by telling her parents about getting engaged. It wasn’t long before the question was asked, was she pregnant? We told them honestly that she was, but that we were going to wait until after the baby was born before we would get married. Her father went on a verbal rampage while her mother cried. My girlfriend and I held hands so tightly I think they were both white from lack of blood. By this time I was working and so was she, and we were saving up our money to set up a home for ourselves and the baby. Her father finally settled down and told us we would talk more about this on the weekend. Until then we were not to communicate no matter  what.

The next morning my phone rang, and I answered it to the sound of my girlfriend sobbing her eyes out and barely able to talk. She was at the airport. In just a few minutes her parents were sending her to an aunt’s home in California where she would either be forced to have an abortion, or where she would have the baby and put it up for adoption. I could not believe what I was hearing. I thought we had made it plain enough that we were going to have the baby, get married, and make a home for our new family. Now, out of the blue, they were sending her away, not even giving us the courtesy of saying goodbye. The age of majority was still 21, so they could do whatever they wanted, no matter what we wanted to do. She said she had to hang up the phone, her mother was coming looking for her. We barely had time to say, “I love you” before the connection was cut off.

I felt so bad I wanted to die. I had had other girlfriends before her, even one that I was in love with for quite a while. but nothing like this. Heartbreak wasn’t a strong enough word for how I felt, and I couldn’t even imagine how she felt. And then I remembered the dream I had had, the promises we had made to the little spirit before it entered her womb. Now none of those promises would be able to come true. I’m pretty sure that was my first bout with insanity, for I have very little memory of the next 6 months. But I do remember talking to her on the phone long distance, and she telling me there had been a car accident, and the baby had been stillborn two months before her due date. I don’t even remember asking her if she was okay, though I must have, I wasn’t a total jerk.

But I have never forgotten that dream, and I have never doubted that it happened the way I remember it. Tears are streaming down my cheeks even as I write this. We never fulfilled even one promise we made that night, and I still wonder if that little spirit made it to earth with another set of parents. I hope with all my heart that the spirit was reabsorbed into the Whole, and never reformed in the same way ever again. I hope I can find out when I return there after my death, but I don’t think I  will have the time to do that before I myself am reabsorbed into the Whole. I have lived almost 50 years now with that pain inside me, and I don’t think I have ever told it as completely as I have tonight. But that experience strengthened my belief in reincarnation as I see it working. I never did make a woman pregnant since then, so I don’t know if I would have had a similar waking dream to the one I had that night so long ago. That dream, though, was my proof that we do pick our parents when we are about to start a new incarnation. And I know in my heart we are responsible for having chosen the life that came with those parents. And that responsibility is more than I can sometimes bear.

Author: rawgod

Still a Hippie, and proud of it. Have my BSW, now retired. Would have preferred to be a Dr. of Philosophy, but the university I went to wouldn't let me study my own philosophy. Your gain, their loss. I live on the edge of society with my partner, four cats, two kittens, a broodmare, and a two year-old filly who might make her racing debut this coming summer or fall. Remember the name, Tricksy T Clanton.

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